Whining is an extremely common behavior for children of all ages. In fact, as I typed that opening sentence, 66% of my own children whined.
It may be worth noting the difference between whining and complaining. To some extent, and in the best of circumstances, complaining can be a useful skill. It requires individuals to question the world around them, identify areas of dissatisfaction, and advocate for change through communication, cooperation, and problem-solving. Whining, on the other hand, is rarely effective in moving someone closer to their goals. The high-pitched cries and drawn out vowels associated with the act of whining are aversive to most ears they fall upon, and the content of said cries - if it even comes across - is often trivial in nature. In other words, as parents, it can be incredibly annoying to hear our children whine.
Why do they whine, then, if it turns off caregivers and, the majority of the time, doesn’t get them what they want? Well, there are several potential precursors to whining; perhaps the whiner needs to express frustration, or is seeking attention, or is more vulnerable to whining because they are tired or hungry. While it helps to know the root cause in case there is an easy fix (e.g., a Snickers bar), reducing the frequency with which your child whines often requires teaching kids more effective forms of communication. Positive parenting practices lend themselves to this very goal.
When your child is whining, try to breathe through the frustration it may cause and take steps to validate their feelings. At times, this act in itself can be enough to make the whining stop if the child’s objective is simply to be heard and feel connected to you. For example, “I can see you feel so upset because I won’t let you have that third cookie.”
Next, label the whining as an ineffective behavior using language they can grasp. For a younger child, this might sound like, “it’s hard for mommy to understand you when you speak that way. I can’t help you get what you want unless you talk calmly and clearly.” Be consistent in enforcing expectations around how they should communicate with you, and utilize positive reinforcement methods each time you catch them doing it right! These can come in many forms including verbal praise (“You did an awesome job telling me how angry you feel that your sister took your toy - it is so much easier for me to help you when you communicate in that way!”), stickers or small rewards, extra snuggles, and/or the sensory-stimulating features offered by your Goodtimer.
It will be useful to teach your child problem-solving skills to utilize in moments of frustration. You may do this by encouraging them to brainstorm solutions to real-life problems, and/or to problems faced by characters you meet through books, stories, or shows. If a child does not feel “stuck” when they are frustrated because they have faith that they can come up with a solution, then they have a means through which to be heard that does not involve whining.
Pay attention to any patterns of whining, e.g., is it always at nighttime, or is it always while getting dressed in the morning? Then, set yourself and your child up for success by getting ahead of their witching hour via emotion regulation practices (e.g., deep breathing), pre-empting potentially frustrating scenarios (e.g., giving them a choice between two outfits to pick from before school instead of them pick from their whole wardrobe), and validating tricky feelings.
As hard as it may be at times, it is crucial that you learn to remain calm when responding to whining; reacting with frustration can quickly escalate the undesired behavior. Try your best to view these moments as opportunities to guide your child toward more positive, more effective communication practices. Your consistent responses to their whining along with the use of positive reinforcement to track and celebrate their progress should significantly reduce the frequency of the behavior.
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