If you’ve ever found yourself in the middle of a meltdown wondering, “What am I doing wrong?”, this article is for you.

First, take a breath.

You’re not alone.

You’re not failing.

And there is nothing “wrong” with your child.

At Goodtimer, we believe deeply in meeting families with compassion, curiosity, and practical support. That’s why we’re so proud to partner with Starr Commonwealth, an organization with more than 100 years of experience helping children and families heal, grow, and thrive through trauma-informed, resilience-focused care.

One of Starr’s most powerful teachings, and one that can completely shift how parenting/caregiving feels, is this simple truth:

Behavior is communication.

Even the behaviors that feel exhausting, confusing, or overwhelming are not random or “bad.” They are signals. They are needs trying to be heard. When we begin to see behavior through this lens, everything shifts.

You’re Doing Better Than You Think

There are moments in parenting that can leave even the most loving caregiver questioning themselves. Maybe your child is acting out, shutting down, clinging tightly, or pushing every boundary in sight. Here’s something Erica Ilcyn, Trauma & Resilience in Education Senior Consultant at Starr Commonwealth, wants you to know:

When your child shows you big behavior, it’s often because they trust you. They’re communicating, “I need something and I believe you might be able to help.”

That’s not failure.

That’s connection.

Understanding Behavior vs. Trying to Stop It

So often, we’re taught to ask: “How do I stop this behavior?” However,  trauma- and resilience-informed science invites a gentler and far more effective question: “What is my child trying to tell me?”

When we become curious instead of assumptive, we are able to respond instead of react. It is then that we are able to step into the role of a loving detective, looking beneath the surface to understand the need driving the behavior. And here’s the powerful part:

When the underlying need is met, the behavior often softens or fades on its own.

The Four Universal Needs Behind Behavior

Every child, regardless of age, personality, or background, has four universal needs. When these needs are met consistently and lovingly, children are more cooperative, more joyful, and families feel more connected. Let’s take a closer look.

Physical Needs

Sometimes, the explanation really is simple. Hunger. Fatigue. Sensory overload. A need to move. That sudden grocery-store meltdown or the crankiness right before bedtime may be your child’s body saying: “This is too much for me right now.” Young children often don’t yet have the words to explain what their bodies need so their behavior does the talking. Supporting physical needs might look like:

Offering a snack or water

Building in movement breaks

Creating predictable routines

Helping with sensory regulation

Meeting physical needs lays the foundation for emotional regulation.

Safety Needs

Children need to feel safe, not just physically, but emotionally. If your usually confident child becomes clingy, anxious, or easily upset, they may be asking: “Am I safe? Are you still here for me?” This behavior isn’t manipulation, it’s proximity-seeking. It’s your child’s nervous system reaching toward you for reassurance. Your calm presence, steady routines, and predictable responses do more than any perfect words ever could.

Belonging Needs

Every child needs to know they matter. What we often call “attention-seeking behavior” is usually better understood as connection-seeking behavior. Your child may be saying:

“Do you see me? Do I belong here?” This can show up as interrupting, acting silly, clinging, or even withdrawing. Small moments of meaningful connection (eye contact, shared laughter, undivided attention) go a long way in meeting this need.

Esteem Needs

Children want to feel capable and valued for who they are. When a child avoids challenges, gives up quickly, or melts down during homework, the message may be: “I don’t feel successful yet. Help me believe in myself.” Encouragement, patience, and celebrating effort (not just outcomes) help children build confidence and resilience over time.

This Isn’t Permissive Parenting. It’s Wise Parenting

Understanding behavior as communication doesn’t mean letting everything slide. It means responding with intention instead of frustration. When you meet the need behind the behavior, you’re teaching your child:

Their feelings matter

They’re safe with you

You’re someone they can trust when things feel hard

Some days you’ll get it right. Some days you won’t. That’s part of being human. What matters most is your willingness to keep trying.

You Already Have What Your Child Needs Most

Your love.

Your commitment to their wellbeing.

Your desire to understand them more deeply.

Every time you choose curiosity over correction, you’re strengthening trust. Every time you look for the need instead of just the behavior, you’re building connection.

Through the Goodtimer experience, you’ll continue discovering tools and strategies that support both you and your child because thriving families are built on understanding, not perfection.

Trust yourself. Trust the process. You’ve got this. 💛